Get out of your Verizon Wireless contract free!

They've raised their text messaging rates from 15 cents per message to 20 cents per message for those who don't have a bundled plan. This constitutes a "material adverse" change to a contract which means, in plain English, they changed the contract which means you're no longer obligated to uphold your end which means you can get out of it without paying the early termination fee of $175 per line.

This really works. I got my sister out of her Verizon contract last time they bumped up the rates. It was something like 75 cents more for one of those extra fees they tack on.

They said that it was so small, what did it matter? I said, "If it's such a small deal, why are you bothering to add it to my bill?" They offered to credit us the 75 cents per month back. I was insistent that it was a material change and we were tired of being nickled-and-dimed and we wanted out. I was nice about it, but firm. It worked.

So if you want to stick it to the man, now is the time to do it. Actually, the time to do it is 60 days within the time they send you notification. Better to do it sooner than later.

More details can be found here.

Cat cuts power to 12,000 Idaho homes

Fluffy the Wonder Cat curled up next to a transformer in an electrical substation and ZZZZT! The result? One well-done kitty and 12,000 homes and businesses without power. Riots ensued, PETA sued and some little girl in Idaho is crying today while her dad is silently rejoicing that someone else took care of the job for him.

Cat image courtesy of our friends across the pond. Full story here.

Avon CEO, Andrea Jung, joins Apple's Board

Andrea Jung, CEO of cosmetics giant Avon Products joined Apple's Board of Directors, it was announced Monday. Ms. Jung will head up a new sales division where fanboys will sell iPods door-to-door.

Yeah. We live in the ghetto.

Oh yeah. This is totally my neighborhood. Some dude tries to walk out of the store with some pizzas, is confronted by an employee who he stabs. Genius Pizza Boy then decides to leave his truck in the parking lot and run to his nearby apartment.

A police bloodhound tracked him down. Apparently those dogs can smell pepperoni for miles.

Now, I've had some serious cravings. There was this one time I crossed into another state to find these frozen burritos I used to eat in college. But I've never broken the law to satisfy a craving, and certainly not to the point of injuring someone or something.

Wait. Scratch that.

I did run over a cat once on a late-night run to Baskin Robbins. I yelled at it to move out of the road - or maybe I mumbled something, I can't remember - and it didn't listen and the place was about to close, so, yeah. Thud. But let me tell you, few things taste quite as good as a three scoop sundae of Quarterback Crunch ice cream covered in caramel with whipped cream and a few of those fake cherries on top. Totally worth it.

Baskin Robbins logo from here, original story on KSL here.

I'm told I resemble a "Wiggle"

The yellow one to be exact. But not up close. Only from a distance.

I've actually been told that by a couple of people. Not having any idea what a "Wiggle" was, but guessing it was something I wouldn't like, I decided to do some research to find out if I should be insulted or not. Here's what I found. Squint at it and tell me what you think.

Personally, I don't see it (picture of me here).Then again, this guy is the lead singer which, as we all know, is the where the coolest guy in the band is so maybe we have something in common even if it isn't our looks. Of course, it appears there have been at least two other guys who've played the yellow Wiggle (see here and here).

I really hope the past yellow Wiggles moved onto something bigger and better. It'd really be a blow to the ol' self-esteem to find out your were an incompetent Wiggle and were fired because of it. What do you tell people? I picture one of the former Mr. Yellow Wiggles sitting in a bar, still in costume, drinking his sorrows away. The bartender comes up and asks why he's so down. Put yourself in that situation. What do you say? "Ratings statistics show that kids hate me"? I'd probably turn to the bottle too.

Where does your career go from there? I can't imagine there are that many Wiggle positions open out there. Maybe, like, four.

What about dating? You muster the last shred of confidence you have and approach an attractive woman. She's nice enough so she doesn't blow you off right away. You're chit-chatting and she asks what you do. "Unemployed". Ouch. Strike one. But she's classy and thinks you look cute, kinda like that blogger Dave, so she asks what did you used to do.

"I was a Wiggle."

Oooo...strikes two and three. An awkward silence falls over the conversation. She just kind of looks at you in shock, her mouth moving up and down but no sound coming out. She turns and walks away.

Sad.

It's no wonder that suicide rates are highest among former Wiggles. No, I did not make that statistic up.*

Still, I don't know exactly what a "Wiggle" does. Based on the limited information I've gathered, it's some bizarre cross of Teletubbies and the guy from Blues Clues, but on acid. And there are four. Frankly, that's all I care to know about them.

What do you think? Do I look like the yellow Wiggle? There's a poll open in the upper right corner of the site. Let me know.

*Yes I did.

Reader question: How does my caucus work?

Faithful reader Heidi writes in and asks:

Dear Dave,

I'm from Iowa and I was wondering how the caucus in my state works. I asked my dad but he got all flustered and told me to ask my mom. I don't think he understood my question. Maybe you can help.

Thanks,

Heidi

Thanks for writing in Heidi! I'd be happy to give you a quick overview of how caucuses work.

How the democrats get their caucus on
They congregate in school gyms, churches and barns. Each candidate has a corner of the building and the supporters of each candidate stand in their respective corner. If their candidate gets more than 15% of the constituents in their corner, they proceed to the next round.

If you stood in the corner of a loser who doesn't get 15% (see photo above, left) your candidate is out and you get the chance to make your vote count by joining one of the winners.

So, really, you get to vote for two people: the person you secretly wanted in the White House but knew didn't have a chance, and then for the candidate who you knew would win so you can appease your conscious and still have bragging rights after the fact.

Sounds like something democrats would come up with.

Right after you leave the loser corner you can be lobbied again by representatives of the remaining candidates to come join the cool kids. But before they'll let you join, they may require you to undergo various hazing rituals, identify the calls of sixteen tropical birds, answer Jeopardy!-style questions or take the Physical Challenge.

This happens in each precinct. The total tally is kept hush-hush and only the percentage of delegates won by each candidate is released. So it all comes down to how many delegates each precinct has, not the popular vote.


How the Republicans roll
The Republicans put their vote on a ballot. The ballots are counted and the candidate with the most votes wins.


I hope that answered your question Heidi! For more details (and less sarcasm) see the original CNN article here.

Photo courtesty of here.

This year's resolutions

I'm guessing that based on the above photo you assumed my resolutions included getting chiseled abs, rippling biceps and perky pectorals.

Well, you'd be wrong. I had this statue of myself commissioned last year.

Here are some of my resolutions for 2008. The rest weren't fit for publishing.

• Stop offering kids candy from my car.
• Write more posts this year than last (at least 248).
• Continue with my other site, LivSimpl, at a rate of about three posts per week.
• Fill a large Moleskine journal.
• Stop trying to hit cats I see in the road (my wife's idea, not mine).
• Get 100% home teaching (and report it by the third Sunday).
• Really put some effort into getting my modeling career off the ground.
• Work out at least three times per week (maintaining this physique ain't easy).
• Go to bed and get up early.
• Go to the temple at least 12 times.
• Learn how to drive a car on two wheels. Preferably not my own.
• Be consistently reading a book.
• Vote in some kind of election. Maybe the presidential one. I'm still not sure.
• Stop urinating in the hot tub (when other people are in it).

Now you know what my next year will, and won't, consist of. Any other suggestions? How about your resolutions? Leave word in the comments.

P.S. I also resolve to use the word "jaunty" more in casual conversation.